A Scottish sitcom

Act One

FADE IN:

INT. GLASGOW EAST END PUB - ABOUT 5pm

BILLY and PHIL sit having a pint when TAM and SHUG come into the bar. Heading directly to the bar SHUG turns surprised to see both BILLY and PHIL

    SHUG

       Awight ya couple of fannies.

Billy looks at Phil then looks back to Shug

                                                                                    BILLY

                                                                           Aye no bad ya dick.

PHIL 

                                    Whit ya doing here bawbag, this pubs for real men ya fucking fandan.

TAM

Takes a fandan to know what a fandan is.

Phil slowly puts down his drink and stands up.

PHIL

Aye well at least I have a pint ya fucking freakshow bastard. You traded yer wummen in for him.

Phil points at Shug who looks more interested in ordering a drink. 

At this point the barman enters and pours two pints, money is exchanged and Tam chooses a seat as Shug goes to the fruit machine.

BILLY

I widna bother playing that as I just won the jackpot ya fud.

SHUG

Na you get a jackpot when yer wee mate there tickles yer baws in the mens fa fanny.

BILLY

Aye well you would know you taught him how ta dae it ya fucking pleb. 

TAM

Aye and it was his maw that taught him ya funking wanker. 

PHIL

Aye what ever ya fucking nugget why don't ya get on with yer drink ya baw bag.

TAM

At least I can handle a real pint, that is fucking lemonade you have there ya fucking wean.

Phil downs his pint in the one and then lets out a large deafening belch. Everyone starts chuckling and the group collectively look at Phil.

BILLY, TAM and SHUG (at the same time)

YA FANNY!